2 01 2009

by: The Jive Turkeycircus bear

“Man is at the top of the food chain.”
                    — Somewhere, some person, at some time quoted this

Is it me or are circus bear’s just absolutely fascinating creatures? If there was a perfect piece of evidence to prove the above quote, a circus bear would be it. A lot can be said from this picture.

First, someone had to teach this bear tricks. I don’t think a hunter on some Alaskan adventure, with his rifle in hand, just stumbled upon a bear who was balancing on giant beach ball while wearing a funny hat and a blouse, made an amazing discovery and opened a circus for all the world to enjoy this bear’s antics. No!…someone with nothing better to do locked himself in a cage with a wild bear for a year and taught it to perform some amazing feats of strength. I sure as hell couldn’t balance on a ball in my back yard, let alone do it in front of hundreds of people while wearing a humiliating outfit. But this bear can obviously do it.

Second, I guarantee that during the time this bear was being trained in the cage, the powers that be made sure there were no mirrors within 50 miles of where this bear was at. I can see it now, they have this bear doing a dress rehearsal out in the main ring of the circus and as he is rolling around,  balancing on this ball….wearing this funny outfit….it just happens to look over at some clown (in this scenario there is really a clown because it’s a circus and that’s what circuses have are clowns….scary…scary clowns) holding a mirror when suddenly this bear catches a glimpse of what it is doing. In that split second when the bears eyes tells the bears brain what this bear is doing, pure hell breaks loose.

This bear is pissed….I mean roaring pissed….like mouth open, bear spit flowing, claws flying out like the Wolverine fighting Juggernaut pissed. You would be too, if you suddenly figured out how you have been spending your time. Instead of killing fish and humping other bears, you’ve been rolling around on some stupid ball while wearing a funny outfit. It’s not like this bear can use its recently acquired vocational skills if it gets to go back to Alaska.

Anyways back to the pissy bear. This bear goes nuts, it’s a circus bloodbath, first it goes after the clowns because they’re scary, so there is blood and clown paint splattered all over the place with clown heads rolling around like bowlings balls. Second, it goes after the ring master, becuase ring master’s are tools, they look stupid too with there cheap tuxedo’s and top hat’s (the only person who can pull off a top hat now-a-days is Willy Wonka). It slashes through chest of the Ring Master and rips off his arms. The same way a male stripper rips of the sleeves of his stripper outfit, but the bear not only rips the sleeves he takes the arms with the sleeves. So now there are dead clowns and bloody, limbless Ring Master’s sprawled in the center ring (Typically there is only one Ring Master but somehow they just multiplied). Meanwhile Parents and childern are going bezerk. There is screaming, crying, just pure apocolyptic choas running a muck throughout.

And then it happens…the bear finally sees it’s trainer. The student seeks the teacher, the hunted becomes the hunter, the grasshopper becomes……well you get the point. With a frothiness dripping from the bears diabolical smile, it inches ever so slowly towards the trainer….on his balancing ball….with his funny hat and blouse….and in a with sudden swipe of its giant bear paw the trainer drops to ground in pure agony screaming bloody horror. With a gleam in its eye the bear takes off his funny hat and blouse and throws it on the face of the trainer. Suddenly the bear belches a roar as if to say…..”HA HARRRRR (the bear has had some pirate influences along the way)…..now who’s wearing the funny hat and blouse” and he finishes the job by slowly sticking his claws through the trainers heart.

And that my friends, is why circus bear’s are fascinating creatures……..They’re like big furry acrobats with claws and a bad temper!




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